So after 2.5 years i’m single again. I’m not sure what else to say, for once in my life words actually fail me.
I’m inclined to think that The Beatles were singing out of their arses when they recorded “All you need is Love”.
Don’t get me wrong i’m a massive fan of The Beatles, I just don’t like that so many of their songs have this completely unrealistic view of life & more specifically relationships.
Because I can tell you right now that you need a hell of alot more than just love to make things work.
You also need trust, understanding, communication, compromise, belief, happiness, intensity, attachment, independence, common goals, similar values, compassion, & the ability to enthusiastically watch some mind numbing sporting event when you would much rather be watching the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.
I’m having a dilemma!!
It’s only a relatively minor work related dilemma, yes I know, how boring. Here you were thinking I was having some kind of drastic high intensity edge of your seat forever life altering moment of indecision, when all it is is some rather dull “should I stay? or should I go?” work dilemma.
So basically, I ABSOLUTELY HATE MY JOB!!
That’s pretty much as bluntly as I can put it, no sugar coating, no whisking it up into cotton candy & presenting it to you with a cute puppy dressed in a tuxedo.
And I hate using the word hate, but I just couldn’t think of a word strong enough to sufficiently describe how soul crushingly much I dislike this job.
And it’s not just one or two things that I dislike so much, if it was I would totally be able to deal with it, i’d come to work, smile, do my work & then head home happy in the fact that the positives far outweight the negatives.
But therein lies the problem, the only good thing about working here is the fact that I have a job & that it could be worse, I could be an unemployed bum living off benefits (not that I would ever do something like that).
And i’m really struggling with the fact that there are so many things that I hate about this job that it has now got to the stage where I absolutely dread coming to work. I dread coming to work to be completely ignored by my manager, to be treated like I shouldn’t even be here, to be told off because I didn’t do something when the reason why I didn’t do that something was because I wasn’t told I had to do it in the first place, to sit in meetings & not understand what is going on because they don’t even have the decency to speak English, to be made to feel like i’m less important because i’m a woman, to be told that my manager can’t see the value in the work I am doing & that back in the “mother country” the person that did my job also did 6 other jobs as well & what the hell do I do all day?
And that’s just pointing out a few things, if I was to list everything I hate/dread about my job this blog post would be long enough to make it into a made for tv movie starring some washed up d grade actress, or Lindsay Lohan, hmmm same thing really.
So the dilemma is, do I stick it out in the desperate hope that it gets better, or do I start looking for another job & just move onto something else where I have the potential to be alot happier, & to actually utilise the skills I have, as opposed to this job which I feel is so menial a trained monkey could do it, in fact im quite sure that the monkey could do it without training.
See the thing is, I have only been here for a mere 4 months. And at first it was all promises of this & promises of that, which lasted a week, & now it’s at the stage where I am basically just a glorified personal assistant, I take minutes & notes in meetings & I format spreadsheets, see what I mean about the monkey?
It’s sort of like being stuck at a crossroads, a particularly unhappy crossroads in some hick town in the middle of nowhere, where everyone treats you like crap, everyone is rude, abrupt & arrogant, & you have this continuous nagging feeling that things are only going to get worse.
And i’ll admit that at first I thought I was overreacting, because this is so completely different to any other company I have worked for, I thought perhaps I wasn’t being adaptable enough. I mean I work for a company of 50 men & 1 other woman, & those 50 men have all relocated from a volatile country where arrogance & rudeness seem to be the only way to get business done, & that’s just not how things work here in Australia. But how the hell am I supposed to adapt to a working environment where you are not asked to do something politely, it is yelled at you from the other side of the office, where you feel somehow not as important because you are female, where you are given menial tasks to do even though you could run the goddamn office single handedly if you had to, where you are expected to work until 1am because that’s what they do, they live to work not work to live & where you sit in a meeting feeling completely excluded because they are all speaking in Hebrew (massive clue there).
So what do I do? I feel like i’m sitting on an increasingly uncomfortable fence, & I am so undecided as to which side to jump over to I would rather impale myself than have to make a decision.
Is it possible to get cold feet before you have even started planning a wedding?
It’s a thought I was pondering today, when I realised that we have been engaged for over a year & I have done absolutely nothing when it comes to the wedding. Seriously i’ve barely even thought about it let alone booked venues, shopped for a dress or picked out bomboniere.
It’s almost like having a mini panic attack just contemplating spending my life with one guy, even though he just so happens to be one hell of an awesome one. But there’s always that thought way back in the back of my mind, ‘what if there is someone else that i’m actually supposed to be with but i’m too scared to find out because I don’t want to lose what I already have & end up as eternal spinster?’.
Plus there just seems to be nothing all that special about getting married besides a sparkly new piece of jewellery & a change of surname. Oh & a lifetime of feeling like an “old married couple”.
And it just seems like there are so many things that can go wrong when two people commit to “happily” ever after. And that’s what petrifies me, there’s the potential for cheating, & boredom, & growing apart, & regretting your decision & ending up in a retirement home thinking why the fuck did I choose him/her in the first place?
Oh & then theres the whole divorce thing, which is absolutely the last thing I want to go through, some nasty divorce where the only words spoken are in anger & the only way you can look at each other is with hatred.
And I guess where this whole cold feet thing stems from is the notion that maybe, just maybe, i’m really not the settling down & getting married type. Maybe I would be quite content just committing myself to being in a relationship with one guy & just being happy with that.
So I recently signed up for a tumblr account, you can find me here.
And at first I was completely enamoured by the awesomeness of it all. Seriously I was spending hours refreshing my dashboard, checking out pictures of this & photos of that, it’s kinda like google image search for people who are too lazy to search google images.
Side note: I’m finding it really great motivation for my weight loss (check out my weight loss blog here – Kaftan to Bikini), because there are so many people on tumblr that are on the same wretched journey as me & I love that, not only because it makes me feel less alone but they also post some of the most unreal motivational quotes, before & after photo’s & hot sexy fit bodies to aspire to that I have ever seen.
And whilst I have been loving tumblr, I have also been hating it at the same time, I know seems impossible but believe me it’s not. Because there are a few things on there that I find so completely disturbing im surprised i’ve been able to sleep for the past week.
And it’s not something like gay porn, or a graphic video of the colonic irrigation process, that is disturbing me so much it’s the fact that so many girls have blogs on there, & so many of those girls blogs are about how much they hate their body, & how they are desperately trying to be anorexic, & how they want to kill themselves because they feel so alone & depressed, & how some guy in some class totally ignores them & how in love with him they are & how heartbroken they are by the fact that he ignores them.
And I just want to scream at these girls, I want to shake them, & take them under my wing like a mother hen & tell them that it all works out in the end.
Because it totally does, I should know, I was the one at school who was too fat, too tall, who got bullied mercilessly, who spent her lunch hour in the toilets crying, who went through bouts of depression, & look my life has turned out just fine.
So i’ve recently started playing Scrabble, the old-school way. All cardboard & plastic letters & none of the highly insane check the phone 100 times an hour addictiveness of Words with Friends.
And I have to admit at first I found it interesting, then challenging, now I just find it flat out frustrating, in a - if you beat me again you can shove those damn plastic letters up your ass - kinda way.
Because I cannot for one second get past the fact that I was so good at english at school & now i’m so bad at it i’m lucky if I can construct a word longer than 4 characters & god help the person i’m playing with if they somehow manage to come up with the Scrabble equivalent of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
And I have never really thought of myself as competitive, I used to do sports for the fun of it, not to win ribbons, & I think the whole ‘only child’ thing has an impact as well. I never had to share, never had to compete for attention or to get the favourite toy, because well it was just me, I had all the attention & toys I wanted.
But for some reason when it comes to board games, that competitive streak I didn’t know I had rears it’s ugly head & I will do anything to try & beat my opponent(s), you name it, cheating, crying, throwing a Suri Cruise tantrum, feigning a seizure, pretty much everything short of rohypnoling my opponent.
The good thing out of all this, is that now I know that I have this competitiveness in me, i’m going to start being a bit more assertive, more focussed, more kick-ass, just generally more – if I want something i’m going to get it & pretty much nothing is going to get in my way.