So this morning, at some incredibly early hour of the morning, plagued by insomnia, I decided to watch a documentary I had taped on Foxtel a couple of weeks ago. 

Malcolm & Barbara – Love’s Farewell

I knew it was going to be sad, but I guess I hadnt prepared myself for how harrowingly sad. I certainly would have stocked up on a couple more boxes of tissues if I had known. 

And the entire documentary resonated with me 1000 fold, because my grandparents are living through a similar thing. 

My grandfather, the singular most important male in my entire life, has Parkinson’s disease, a debilitating disease that is robbing him of the quality of life he so rightly deserves.

And through gushing sobs, rivers of tears & even more gushing sobs & rivers of tears, I couldnt help but reflect. 

My grandfather was the smartest, most switched on, extraordinarily articulate person you could ever meet. But over the last 15 years, as much as I hate to acknowledge it, he has deteriorated, slowly but surely, into a shadow of his former self.

Parkinson’s has ravaged his body, he has trouble walking, can barely dress himself, cant cut his food up, needs help washing, has trouble remembering, has a colostomy bag, mumbles when he talks, has difficulty putting thoughts into words, his muscles freeze up & he can barely move, his left side constantly tremors……… god the list just goes on & on.

And my grandmother, the absolute picture of health, does everything for him, she has gone from devoted wife of over 50 years, to be the primary caregiver, without respite, to her ailing highly reliant husband. 

I havent seen my grandparents since October, & watching that documentary, just made me want to pack up all my stuff, jump on a plane & move back to Wollongong to be closer to them, because really you cant just take for granted they are always going to be there. 

And I guess I have never wanted to accept the fact that one day, hopefully a very very very long time from now, he will pass away. And in all honesty that is just something I am incapable of comprehending.

I’ve never had someone close to me die, I guess I have been lucky that way, never been subjected to it, never had to acknowledge it. But with life comes death & its something that sooner or later im going to be faced with.  

And you know when the day comes that my grandparents do pass away, you know what I want, well apart from it all to be a horrible untrue nightmare, is for the love of my life to be right there next to me, the very one that would be there if ever I needed someone to bathe & dress me.